Yeap, I had it this very morning. Well actually I dreamed of my mum having some sort of sickness and was dying soon. The pain was there, and I actually teared out through the dream. The moment I opened my eyes,the sensation was still there. I literally broke down. I thought of my family member,the one whom we had prayed for so many years.I thought of the ones who had hurt me,one by one,through my life hood. I remembered how they treated me, judged me, isolated me,teamed up to go against me,teased me to the ground,etc. The severe pimply face that I used to have. The abnormal amount of legs hair that I had. The feeling of rejection was so real.
I thought of the struggles that I've been through for overcoming the nightmare--Asthma. It was not easy. It was difficult. I remembered how the hospital had become my second home. I remembered how the doctor prescribed the enormous number of tablets for a little child to be swallowed. I remembered how hard it was to be not able to breath. I remembered the sleepless nights.I remembered the fear of dying.I remembered the fear of losing. I remembered how the nurse injected me to put me to sleep. I remembered how the wires were placed on my seven-year old body. I remembered how the oxygen tubes were inserted into my nostrils. I remembered how my wad was pushed roughly into the lift and to the ICU, I remembered how my mum cried to Jesus. I remembered the pain that my mum had suffered. I remembered how much she wanted to replace my condition.....
I guess all of these that I've been through have indeed brought to the present me. Yes,I have become stronger. Yes,I have learnt my mistakes. Yes,I have realised a lot. However on the other hand ,there's a small portion of residue. The weak parts. The scars. The feeling of insecurity. The feeling of being rejected. The over self-consciousness. Self-rejection. The emptiness. The feeling of longing for love. Loneliness. Dry. Trying a little harder than the others to fit in.
Nevertheless,I DO thank God. I knew He has never forsaken me. He never left me. He was,and is so GOOD to me. He did pull me through every moment. He did help me in improving. He did fulfill my needs.I know putting Him first in everything is the best way. I know I should surrender myself to Him. However, I have a confusion.
Spending the entire whole morning listening to one song---I just want You,Planetshakers.
The lyrics go,'I just want you Jesus,I just want You my Lord.' Yes. Lord,I truly just want You. I want You. I crave for Your love. I crave for being real close to You. I truly want to walk in Your ways. But how?
I remembered God once told me through a pastor that He will fill me with His love. Yes,I was touched and I believe it. I know love is there,but how am i supposed to feel His love? Why do I feel so spiritually dry and insecure? Is it by following His ways? By reading the bible and meditate? By praying constantly? By showing love and compassion towards others?
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